The Test

I’m not going to be like many of the people on fb/twitter or whatever social means of communication they choose to use in order to express their happy feelings or look how my life is so wonderful take a look at me, this little story needs to be a little more honest so I am now going to share with you a problem that I have had for lets say a number of weeks now – the details of how and what I have will remain dark but the effects from it I will share with you – purely for the form of entertainment and laughter – even if they are at expense of my health! But as a great comic once said if you can’t laugh at yourself then you shouldn’t laugh at anyone else!

I love food, all kinds of it and it has been know that I can consume a vast amount of junk food especially when I am hungover, now I try and exercise a little control over this, as consuming vast amounts of greasy fat and shitty food is not good for you unless you have the perfect excuse – it finally dawned on me the other day I have that perfect excuse and instead of feeling a lot of self pity and oh look at me I’m not well I decided to try a little experiment.

My stomach and intestine cannot hold on to anything solid for longer than forty five minutes. An immediate evac is called into action about three minutes after its passed my tonsils so I then have a set amount of time to relax and think oh its good to have food in my belly before I need to plan on a comfort break! When my white arse is aired in front of a toilet I loose absolutely everything that I put into it – and a bit more. Stay with me – it is horrible and its better your sitting on the other side of a laptop reading this rather than been in a room beside me and listening to it!!

Anyway one day when I was trying to keep my stomach from falling out of my arse I though of my great little plan; Does Colombian junk food taste the same as it does in the UK and what kinds of different junk food do they have?

Well if my stomach and arse cannot keep anything in for longer than thirty minutes then I can have as much junk as I like and it won’t do me any harm! Now I know their is a massive error in my way and that is I am not getting any goodness into my system but come on – where will the fun in that be? Nobody wants to hear a diet report on how I kept some carrots in – do they?

(A foot note, I have removed all mention of time, days or the amount of alcohol consumed as some of the meals were eaten one after another!)

Meal one; Salchipapas.
A Colombia dish which is made for hangovers or I’ve just had fifteen pints of the black stuff and I need to eat a horse! It all starts with fresh potatoes pealed and cut into medium thickness chips – fatter than McD’s thinner than your Fish & Chip shop.  So take one large single serving sized bowl and put in a layer of chips cover with sauce, we call it Maryrose, then lay another portion of chips on top of that with more sauce then add some thinly sliced sausage, yip sauce and more chips. On top of that add some lettuce and some sliced tom’s more sauce and then a very generous layer of Parmesan cheese put a plastic fork in the top of it and charge you $1.50.
Salchipapas- you make it as my hangover meal of choice.

Meal two; KFC.
Its all wrong, to start with the chicken burgers come with sweet bread and not a sign of a tower burger in sight – disappointment like you wouldn’t believe.  However they will also do a traditional beef burger (didn’t try it!) and re-fried beans as a side order (yip tired them!). So a ‘normal’ fillet burger is ok, they go with a lot more mayo I’m pleased to report but the bread fucks it up.  Pieces of chicken – well the thirteen herbs and spices you know them, I think they use more but it doesn’t taste any better – think its lacking pepper!
KFC – no, your not high on my junk food list in Colombia.

Meal three; Burger King.
Much smaller menu, a Whopper is a Whopper tho – just with extra mayo and its a good burger, the double bacon cheese burger is again another good one, just like back home but that’s where it all ends – Chicken Royal is not what a CR, in fact is a dirty rip off with shitty individual chicken bits, not a sign of a reconstituted, reconstructed shape of a chicken burger in sight. The chips – the same.
BK – would say its pretty consistent.

Meal four; A Colombian ‘dirty’ burger.
I use the word dirty to explain where it comes from, you know those small fast food outlets you see on the high street, well these are just like them but the plastic chairs are made of better plastic.  Your handed a grease proof paper weight, equivalent weight to a small kitten and upon opening this you are presented with the sight of a small cholesterol attack on every artery in your body – especially the ones around your heart, I actually felt them closing little when I first saw the burger unwrapped! In the bun (not sweet thank god!) you have your beef patty about 1.5cm thick and on top you have a slice of ham, cheese, bacon, fried egg, lettuce, tom slice, sauce on every layer and finished off with what I can only describe as ‘match stick chips’.
Dirty burger – best consumed after a rugby game &/or fifteen pints.

Meal five; The Golden Tits of America.
Yip a big mac is a big mac is a big mac, chips are chips, like the nuggets and yes you still get that one nugget that looks like the outline of Ireland (If you never noticed this order 6 nuggets look at each one and you will find one that looks like an out line of Ireland). Milk shakes are always too thick but in the heat here your happy for that, a fish burger and a cheese burger do exactly what they say on the wrapper – what ever part of the world your in McDs is Mc’Ds.
Golden Tits’ – still never a good time in life to eat it!

Meal six; A Domino’s Pizza aka Dirty Domino’s.
Now there should be no reason in the world for me to ever eat one of these so called pizza’s bar one reason – when you’ve been on a boys weekend and its the last supper, but in fairness to my experiment I should be equal to all food groups!
DD – still a shit pizza but has it has its place!

Meal seven; Una Perrito Caliente
A hot dog.  But not any old bit of shite hot dog sausage slapped into a bun oh no… Start with the usual big bun and small hot dog, now drown the thing in mayo, chopped up streaky bacon, cheese and oh course loads of match stick chips.  Just so you know its food pornography – its so dirty they give you gloves to eat it with – the same gloves you would use when filling your car up with diesel!!
A dirty dog – approach with caution and use the gloves!

Meal eight; Street Snack ‘this will give you a heart attack’ food.
Oh where to start, everything from skewers of chicken, beef, chorizo and pork, to Empanadas filled with chicken, fish and meat all packed with plenty of flavours and served with a choice of three dips – mild, bit of spice, to its gonna burn when leaving spicy hot – very good, recommend the fish one.  A mash potato ball (fried of course) containing meat and an egg – great stodge filler before a night on the piss.  Folded pastry with various fillings of meat, chicken or cheese – good for brekki. Very thinly sliced banana’s fried like crisps and served with salt and a squeeze of orange juice – heaven!
Street food – so bad you will not ignore it because its sooo good to eat.

Meal nine; Hangover breakfast Colombian Style
Eggs basically, scrambled with onion and tomato served with sweet bread, fresh juice and a coffee.
Shite – no greasy snag or fatty bacon in sight, let alone any baked beans or mushrooms!

Meal ten; Subway.
The smell was enough for my backside to call for a toilet break – that’s a close as I got!

Meal eleven; A ‘gourmet’ burger
So think GBK or Eddy Rockets, here they have Chef’s Burger – the only thing you can say about this is its soo dam good it will make your balls tingle!
Chefs Burger – good at any time but should be enjoyed when you don’t have the ability to shit through the eye of a needle.

Meal twelve; Family size pack of crisps
In blighty I’m hard pushed to get away from Walkers sweet chili but here they do a version of slightly thicker cut banana – like on the street but not fresh and covered in something to stop them going off.
Family bag of crisps – good real good but I miss the Walkers.

Meal thirteen; Chocolate bars.
Chocolate is chocolate but its not as good as the stuff you get in Ireland so no need to review the usual chocolate bars.  However a Jumbo Mix and a GOL bar are high in my estimations, the first is nuts, caramel, nougat and chocolate – amazing and guaranteed to make your teeth wince with the sugar kick!  The latter is like a Lion bar but a lot smaller – I think they put a sprinkle of cocaine in them as I am addicted to these right now but will refrain from telling how many I have consumed in one sitting!
GOL bar – BOOM!

Meal fourteen; Ice-Cream.
Deserves its own blog as their is a lot to try.
Ice-cream – still working on it…………..