Delayed. Thats all I see flashing on the display board, I was the first flight out of Lima but now its knocking 4 hrs later and the airport is rammed with people. Of course I’m leaving a city with a lack of sleep and caffeine in my system so matter how many times I brush my teeth I can still taste Pisco!
‘Bump’ one way of putting it, I on the other hand would choose a different word which I would then shout out quite loudly when the flight steward dropped the plane down on to the very end of the runway! As usual I’ve no clue where to stay, I’ve only properly managed to pronounce the name of the town or city I’m flying to in Spanish about 8 hours ago, when I walk out the airport and open the door I’m greeted first by the smack of heat and then by 60 men all shouting Spanish words at me – which I do really hope translates directly to “Cab-taxi, cab-taxi mate” because they all look like they are going to take the long way around, be your friend and then drop you off fifteen feet from where you just started!
IQUITOS, thats the name of it I had to be reminded by a bloody big sign stretched across the road and what a place this is! George (they are all called George too!?) the driver is taking me around the long way to point the sights out but for once its great fun! I’m dropped into the back of a motocart and we are pissing along in his Honda which he knows the precise measurements within 1000th of a mm, we haven’t had any death moments yet, but the way the cross roads work its not not going to take too long – they are at best only 60/70 meters stretch of straight road one way so 3rd gear and taking the gamble on 4th with clear cross roads or heavy breaking which god forbid would use some of break pads! No instead its slowed up by two down shifts which make the bald rear tyres shift ever so slightly to the right and cuts through one cart turning left across us and another one just doing nothing! Its good fun and give George his credit he knows how to get the most out of the little Honda.
What did I think of Iquitos well I was going to write shite but thats a bit harsh so instead I’ll say “it was grand!” I did the right thing straight away and booked my ticket to leave in 3 days, plenty of time to see it and tick the boxes. I’ve opted for speed and a little more comfort for two very important reasons one the amazon is fucking huge and two if they can make a bus journey last 38 hours very easily then christ knows how they will make you travel on water!
05:13 – yip now I have to get up now, I’ll be out the door in approximately 12 minutes packed and ready to walk but been treated to two security checks this morning is not what I need after 2 hours of hours sleep and minus two headache tablets – packed them into the wrong bag along with everything else I needed for the day! They said maximum 15kg but I’m sure by the look on that fellas face she managed to get double that amount into the bag and then some extras too for good measure! Boat packed and 30 people shoved into a metal tube with all sorts of welding and rivits going on – “like what you done with the place!” is one way of putting it. There are two motors nailed on the back of it so I’m thinking this thing should fly! Vamos.
Nope not a hope in hell, the fuel lines or mix is all wrong so are chugging down the river on half throttle and stop every 30 mins to have another go at fixing it! I wanted to suggest sticky tape should be required but my phrase book took it upon them selves to omit ‘Stick Tape’ or any other form of self-adhesive tape from their book – so thought it best to kick back and try and get some sleep.
We reach our first stop 3 hours later than planned and this was the first stop! Ah cock, another thing I forgot to ask how long the trip is, now I could ask someone and try and practise my spanish but I can’t be arsed, I’ve got nothing to do today and I’ve done nothing about where I’m landing into, and besides all that I’m trying to use my brain to recall a very vague thought of a conversation which involved getting my passport stamped at 2 different places – first! 
The trip is epic, the Amazon river is just so much to take in, at times the water seems just too wide and it would take a day to swim across – if you made it that is! The high light of the trip was seeing a 10/12 meter anaconda stuck in a fishing net with three fellas in a boat about twenty meters way and to add amazed to see that they were pretty relaxed looking for what was happening in front of them! Some woman threw a freaker about getting closer and then reminded us all about how slow are going already!
So at the point when you’ve finished watching the sun go down you then realise that the make-and-do boat doesn’t have any lights on it – so exactly how much further do we have to go and how far have we come? We departed at 06:00 its now kicking on for 19:30! We managed to pick up speed when we burned some fuel off but when will this ever end? Not to worry in true South America style; always ready and prepared to be late! Out comes the spot light on a lead about 50 feet long in a knot! The darkness was amazing in one regard, steering the boat on the other hand was a little more tricky in between the floating wood, plants, trees and loads of stuff that will kill you. 
I’m reminded by the last boat trip I took in NZ and decided back then that the best way to enter a new town is at night and in a warm climate – that was a good adventure I’m sure this will be every bit and some. Give them a little credit they got the candle lit and in the distance you can just make out some lights we have to be ‘close’ now – that is if you can call close an hour away, then yea it was close!
Right what was this about getting a passport stamped, but fear not getting off the boat and there are 30 fella’s shouting the Spanish version of “Cab Taxi, Cab taxi mate” one fella had his melons about him and asked me in English so he is now my new friend – who also happens to be called George! Stamps in the passport done and ten bobb to the boat fella and were off crossing the water into Columbia and hoping not to get stopped by the river cops for a 20 bucks fine/bribe. I couldn’t think of a more fitting way to enter this country!
I’m 50 meters from Peru and 5km to Brazil so I’ve left myself in a right odd state of confusion something which I need to avoid at all costs and that is which beans do I choose for my morning joe? And my first observation of Columbia is that girls jeans only come in one style here and that is ‘very tight!’
So cue the Michael Caine voice…
the bean hunter 
